~Vidorulover

I hate how they keep changing DA... sorry if I don't reply to comments, I just haven't figured it out yet lol
Another thing I hate: one of my SiSen drawings ended up on his myspace and I didn't sent it to him. except for the stealing part, HE ISN'T ALLOWED TO SEE THE SUCKNESS YET!
Planes hurt my inner ear aaaaargh it's DEAD!!

aaanyways, I'm back! I couldn't really keep myself from drawing, some little voice in my head made me draw even though I didn't feel like it at all.
I was hoping and waiting for the break to make me feel better so I could paint and draw again. I realise now that was naive and stupid of me to think such things!
Ignoring the problem won't make it go away. It's more complicated than that but I feel even worse than before.
I need to stop living in denial, I need to stop ignoring and especially stop hiding it. I'm young now, if I can't find a way to use this crappy state in an artistic and constructive way now, I'll never be able to do it.
And then I'll sure kill myself, just like I'm suppost to, it's my destiny. I'm already slowly destroying myself.
I couldn't care less to be honest.

It feels good to make Tatsurou scream out in my place through my speakers. I'm glad Vidoll found their old sparkles back, their latest song has some of the amazingness they used to have back!

I'm exhausted and depressed so it's impossible for me to carry on with the insane drawing and painting.
I have been doing much less lately already but it's still too much.
I'm leaving in 4 days
Don't expect me to upload new stuff probably not before August. I'm taking a break! (let's hope I'll keep myself to that)
It's funny because I really never have done that in the past.
I'm also sorry if I don't get to reply regularly either.

I had the worst night ever, soooo tired.
I couldn't fall asleep and I kept waking up with the smallest noise and to make it even worse; I was awake at 8AM again. I just couldn't sleep anymore
An hour later, I finally fell asleep and then they called me on my cellphone, that was laying bright and awake next to my head.
it's been going on for over a month now.

I need to get myself fixed up before I can continue with giving my life for art.

I feel horrible and I'm so sad it hurts insanely. I really need a break from everything and sleep. Millions of hours of sleep ^___^
also; sorry for staling everyone with journal entries.
thank you all for the wonderful support by the way

I finished writing my book!
I really liked writing like that. Who knows, I might even try to publish one later...
Stories will go great with my paintings so I might really publish a book to go with them.
I ate too much strawberry pocky XD stomach hurts

I'm MAD at myself; I could've gone see Miyavi today (no, yesterday, it's passed midnight again). But I'm too stupid and scared to go, damn it.
I was doing better though, I'm not as negative about my future and my paintings anymore. There is still hope for me, I might get good enough one day...

I have a theme to make paintings in school next year. I can't wait for school to start again! I hate how lazy I am now, not drawing, not painting, not doing anything but sitting on my bed the entire day... in front of my laptop ^___^
Sooooo the theme; vampires, zombies, angels, death, sin, evil, demons
THE WHOLE THING! I've been obsessed with those for well as long as I can remember. It's something that I can make into a life project, what the whole point of going to an art school is. But no one seems to even care about what happens after graduation.
Brainlessly studying, just to study, forgetting the bigger picture. (and I'm not even talking about my class lol)

Haha you should've seen me get bullied when being a kid because I kept reading vampire books. I realise now I must've scared them haha. I remember being sad because no one had read my vampire story, except the teacher because she had to grade it.
yeah I've always been the weird one

oh, one last thing; I hate firefox. It has this spelling corrector but bacause I don't live in an English speaking country, it keeps underlining EVERYTHING I write in red annoying lines...
grrr IT IS NOT WRONG!! LEARN HOW TO ENGRISH!

I'm getting pretty desperate, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing when painting. I have no clue of what I want and that always results in horrible paintings.
Paintings shouldn't always be pretty, but I want them to be.
I'm a bit lost.
That's not true, I'm completely drawning in it. And there is no way out.
One day, I make wonderful Asagi paintings, the other day I suck horribly because I realise those Asagi paintings suck too.

I don't want to paint like others do, I don't want to paint like I did in school... Though, I have no alternative.
I know there is another way, I just don't know what I want it to be.
I want to stop caring about how I make things look, no matter how ugly it is. I know I can make things look like the original picture! I've always been doing that.
I need to get my technique fixed first.
Why can't I combine those two?! Everytime I make something realistic, it's so dull and stupid. If I make it interesting, it's ugly.
Why can't it be pretty and interesting at the same time?!
Does it even have to be pretty or am I just fooling myself?
What makes a good painting? Beauty doesn't, technique does!
yet I can't get over it.
just like realism in my drawings, I'll need to find a way to distract that urge to reach beauty...

any ideas?

I'm still counting down and I'm getting anxious over the trip. And over people *sigh*
I'm getting really socio fobic.

Anyways, my Asagi hype continues,
I'll paint him again today, I hate myself being so lazy. I have so much time yet I don't draw at all.

I had a genious day in music yesterday! Things I had always failed to play, came out without any struggle. I was really excited about it! I still am.
After next week, I won't be able to play the clarinet for a long time but it's ok.

What is it about vampires that make it feel like it's my destiny? The whole being dead but still live in a way and living far away from human life forms... ever aging, not having to eat food. It is absolutely fascinating, it's everything I could ever want. (yes, again this crap) It's the way I want to die, if that happens tomorrow, I'll be ok with it. I do not mind dying even when I won't be granted the eternal existance. I do not value my life anyways